Tuesday, March 25, 2008


We had a wonderful Easter. We went to church Easter Morning. Then to my moms for Chloie to hunt a few eggs. Next we were off to the neighbors so Chloie could hunt eggs with their grandkids. We ate lunch there and spent all day there visiting. It was a beautiful day and the company was great! We were so tired when we got home that night i think all of us fell asleep as soon as we hit the bed. Here are a few Easter pics!


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Better Day

It is amazing that a good cry, scream and someone to hold you makes you feel 10 times better. Since Sunday when i had my big breakdown and Cory there as my rock to hold me and let me cry and ask why i feel better. For 2wks waiting for something to happen i grieved to myself. I put on a fake smile and said i was fine but on the inside i was loosing it. I wish i would have just shared sooner how i felt so maybe it could have been easier waiting. But i guess that is just how i had to do it. I of course am not saying I'm 100% back to normal and ready to conquer the world. But yesterday and today are so much better. I feel like i can see a light a the end of a tunnel!

Even though yesterday i say was a better day it should have been the saddest. I called the dr in am to update him what all had happened so far and he told me what to expect next. I want go into to details but my baby is officially in Heaven since yesterday. When it happed i cried but also felt a calm about me to. The calm i felt was God holding me. My faith has been tested twice in my life only for God to be there holding me and letting me know i will be ok. The first time during our 2 1/2 year infertility journey trying to get pregnant with Chloie. I learned then that just because i thought i was ready to be a mother and give that selfless love God had a different plan or i should say time when i was to become a mother. It was a painful 2 1/2 yrs asking why can't i have a baby. But the moment that i found i was pregnant and saw Chloie on the ultrasound for the first time and heard her heart beat is one of the most precious moments in my life.

My 2wks of waiting was painful both physically and emotionally. I wish i had been more open then and let out my feelings. I guess it is another lesson learned. another thing that has helped quite a bit is blogging my feelings. It helps to write them down. I hope to continue to blog daily or every other day so i can work through the emotions and start feeling better.

I can not thank everyone enough for all the prayers, thoughts, love and kind words shared with me and my family over the past few weeks. I know i would not have gotten through any of it with out all the love, support and most importantly the prayers.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

A Very Bad Day

Today was the worst day emotionally. I keep thinking that each day is going to get better but it doesn't seem to lately. To day i was an emotional rollercoaster. i guess it is my hormones trying to get back to normal. But i wish all of it would stop. I don't know what i would have done with out Cory holding me and letting cry and scream for GOD to give me my baby back. It is so hard to know that i will never hold it anytime soon. But Cory reminded me i will one day in heavenand that our baby will know that it is loved. Chloie spent most of the day at my mom's because i just couldn't deal with anything today. I'm calling the dr tomorrow to see how much longer all of this might last. The two other times i went through a miscarriage i found i was pregnant then the next few days i would start and be over with in days. This time though i went to the dr 4 times and got to see my baby on the ultrasound machine 4 times. It has been a long wait for everything to happen. I wish this on no one.

I can wake up in the morning and be fine then either i start cramping like i'm having contractions or some thing comes over me emotionally and i feel like i'm drowning or suffocating again. I just want to feel like myself again. I'm afraid i don't know how to get back there. I don't know what i'd do with out you ladies to just listen to me! It means the world.

Cory, Chloie and I sat down today and discussed what we could do at our new home to honor our Baby Angel. We have thought about buying a tree a magnolia was mentioned but not decided on to plant in our baby's honor. Chloie's biggest thing she wants to do is get a pink and a blue balloon and send them to her baby angel because she said she doesn't know what it was.

I may check one of the support groups out because i can't sleep as soon as i do i see the baby one time it is a girl and we have named her Emma Rae then other times i see a boy we have named Carson. I try to wake my self up but as soon as i go back to sleep they start again. Please don't think i'm going crazy. Although some days i feel i might be.

Please just pray this too shall pass. Thank you to all of you and your kind words and offers. They are greatly appreciated!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I spoke with my child

This is a very beautiful presentation!

I Spoke with My Child Today

The Journey

I found this and thought it fit with what is going on with me now and what others may be going through!

The Journey

An allegory describing the grief of losing a child.
Before we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially “over it”.

Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breathtaking view, when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now we are lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue in sight. The only way out is to do it ourselves. So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we’ll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the other side into the next valley again.

The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, “I’m so glad I finally made it through that.” And then we stop and look around and realize that we’ve been here before! All this work and we’ve gone in a circle and we’re going to have to do it all again! And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can’t, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom.

Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it. And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don’t. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.

Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, “I know just what you’re going through; I went on a hike once.” And “At least you have your other kids to make this climb so much easier.” And “You are so strong; I know I couldn’t make this climb.” Or they ask, “When will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again?” And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can’t hear us. They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.

As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming a little bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don’t always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it. And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.

And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills. And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.

So my point is this: everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be both on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills. I promise.

Wow alot has happened since i last blogged.

A few weeks ago I had the most wonderful surprise. I got a + on a home pregnancy test. I have been off the pill for 2yrs and wanted another baby. But I didn't want to go through all of the fertility stuff we went through to try and get pregnant with Chloie.
We had just about given up and there the + was.

Well after seeing the dr the baby had no heart beat and was not growing like it should. I was put on progesterone supplements because mine was low. The last ultrasound I had showed no heart beat and no growth. The dr also said it looked like things were starting to breakdown.

I was sent home to decide to let nature take it's course or go in for a d&c. For many reasons I don't want to have a d&c unless it is absolutely necessary. So it has been a week since I received the news my baby isn't going to make it. Nothing has happened so far. I wake up every day wondering of today is the day.

This is one of the hardest things to go through. I have had a few people say but you don't know the child so it should be fine. Well no I'm sorry the moment that i found out I was pregnant and saw it on the ultrasound I fell in love. Just like I did when I found out I was pregnant with Chloie. Every day I pray to God that I can get through this and that the baby knows it was loved.

I couldn't get through this with out the support, love thoughts, and prayers of my wonderful family and friends. I don't know what I would do with out them. Please continue to pray. The dr said it could take up to 3wks and it has only been one. Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers and support!

Now 2wks later:

I want to say thank you for all the wonderful words of love, thought and prayers we have received from family and friends. The past 2wks have been horrible waiting for something to happen. I picked up the phone so many times to call the dr to schedule the d&c but couldn't.

Well now nature is taking it's course. ( I want go into everything)
This is one of the most emotionally and physically painful and draining thing i have been through.

I just wanted to let everyone know i'm not ignoring you if you have called, sent email or comment. The past 2wks i have been on an emotional roller coaster and now this week is even worse.

I promise to get back to everyone soon. I just need time to rest, think and take care of myself!

Again thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and love! It really helps more than you ever know!