Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Better Day

It is amazing that a good cry, scream and someone to hold you makes you feel 10 times better. Since Sunday when i had my big breakdown and Cory there as my rock to hold me and let me cry and ask why i feel better. For 2wks waiting for something to happen i grieved to myself. I put on a fake smile and said i was fine but on the inside i was loosing it. I wish i would have just shared sooner how i felt so maybe it could have been easier waiting. But i guess that is just how i had to do it. I of course am not saying I'm 100% back to normal and ready to conquer the world. But yesterday and today are so much better. I feel like i can see a light a the end of a tunnel!

Even though yesterday i say was a better day it should have been the saddest. I called the dr in am to update him what all had happened so far and he told me what to expect next. I want go into to details but my baby is officially in Heaven since yesterday. When it happed i cried but also felt a calm about me to. The calm i felt was God holding me. My faith has been tested twice in my life only for God to be there holding me and letting me know i will be ok. The first time during our 2 1/2 year infertility journey trying to get pregnant with Chloie. I learned then that just because i thought i was ready to be a mother and give that selfless love God had a different plan or i should say time when i was to become a mother. It was a painful 2 1/2 yrs asking why can't i have a baby. But the moment that i found i was pregnant and saw Chloie on the ultrasound for the first time and heard her heart beat is one of the most precious moments in my life.

My 2wks of waiting was painful both physically and emotionally. I wish i had been more open then and let out my feelings. I guess it is another lesson learned. another thing that has helped quite a bit is blogging my feelings. It helps to write them down. I hope to continue to blog daily or every other day so i can work through the emotions and start feeling better.

I can not thank everyone enough for all the prayers, thoughts, love and kind words shared with me and my family over the past few weeks. I know i would not have gotten through any of it with out all the love, support and most importantly the prayers.

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